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sureal and sad....

the girls have gone and though my house nor my live is actually empty, they both feel as such in a sureal way. I can still hear they voices but can't feel their energy. evidence of the last two months of them being here is all but lost and been replaced by an aire of sadness and emptyness, in the three of us that remain.

Final Public entry

I believe that this will be if not the final, it will be nearly the final public entry of my journal. I have decided after considerable contemplation that there are two many people n my personal life that find a journal to be a wonderful tool to try to use against me. I have gone through my entire journal and changed the settings of everyone of my entries to "friends Only". I have never wanted to do this because I've always thought it would be benificial to those who might need help but were afraid to ask.

But It would appear that there are certain people who are bound and determined to do what ever they can to use my journal in a device manner. Its really too bad because I am certain there are folks out there who have or could have benifited from having my journal available because of the detail avialable concerning transition. I also used to like the idea that my family members could read my journal without having to get an LJ account cause most of them just don't want to have to do that.

If anyone out there wants to see my journal then from this point forward you will have to request to be added to my friends list . If you want to be added to my friends list then relpy to this entry and I will consider it. 

I'm very saddened that I have to do this.

Some things I've learned....

that don't have much do to with any one thing.

Walls are built to protect us from the elements of life and love but if we never venture outside of them, we become dependant on them and miss out on the inhearant beauty that lies beyond the walls.

Gender has nothing to do with a penis or a vagina.

Being a woman or a man has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with life experience.

True love does exist, you can't find it, you cultivate it.

Love is the most elusive and most powerful emotion you will ever feel.

There are things we just can't control and we should let them go and control themselves.

When we can't control the things beyond our control, we over-control the things we can and end up breaking our toys.

Life happens and sometimes its just plainly better to ride the rapids than to fight against the awesome force they are, besides it can be very exihilaratiing.

Roller coasters are the funnest thing in the world to ride.

I am not infalable.

The one you love is only human.

No one is perfect but that same person can be perfect for you.

Compatibility is more about difference than sameness.

You can't love another the way they deserve to be loved unless you first love yourself.

Everything is capable of breaking.

Matterial things are just that.

Life is good even in the face of adversity.

Disapointment, hurt and pain are the open door that beckons growth, if you don't walk through it you will never grow.

Some people are just stupid and you can't fix stupid, only ignorance.

Suicide is not about dying, is is about the total loss of hope for the future.

Hope always exists, you just have to look for it under the rocks sometimes. It isn't a glowing golden statue on the hillside you are staring at from the bottom.

Kids are a pain in the ass but sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo worth it.

Inteligence is sexy, very sexy.

An emotional woman can be very comforting.

The thought of sharing my life forever with one person no longer scares the piss out of me. In fact, it's very exciting!

Turtles can be very enjoyable to watch while they are at play...so are otters.

A memory can come screaming out of the past and fill your whole being with very same emotions experienced at that moment that memory was created...humans have and amazing brain.

I love my cats but hate the hair that they leave everywhere that gets all over my face...cat hair seems to stick to your face like a booger sticks to your finger.

Fear of loss is the best motivational factor you will ever experience.

************************
maybe I'll post some more later but for now that is all. strange little bits of wisdom from my scary mind. also remember good jugdement requires wisdom, but wisdom is gained from errors in judgement.

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new pet

so on wed. Carre became the newest owner of a painted turtle. I had an opportunity to pick one up and did so. in the previous six years I balked at the idea of getting a turttle even though i knew that she desperately wanted one. My areguments against the turtle for all those years was retarded "what are we gonna do with a turttle?" "don't we have a enough pets already?" and so on and so on. 

about three months ago, (a vitalt time in my life) I began to realize just how petty and selfish my arguments againts havinga turttle were. I was amazed at the selfishness that i exhibited at such a small request. so ilooked into getting her a turtle and found that they were actually quite expencive to purchasea baby turttle, an adult was even more exspencive. but i resoved that i would get her one anyway somehow. she had put up with alot of selfish and indulgent behavior because of her love for me and i knew it was time to start giving back some of that love. so we have a rather cute paited turtle that has one hell of a bite...he's really very fun to watch swim around in the tank. we talked about getting him a girlfriend so that maybe we'd end up with babies....i don't know what the hel we would do with the babies but he should have a companion.
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